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Saturday, October 7th, 2006
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7:53 pm
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| Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
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10:27 pm
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I don't know how much more of this I can take.
My horn playing is still awful. The retrogression I have been experiencing for the past several months now is beyond depressing. At the beginning of this semester, I knew there was a lot of work to be done, but now I feel like I'm being buried alive and I can't even breathe. I don't know what to do anymore.
I try different approaches to playing and each time I ended up screwing myself over. I either overthink what I'm doing or I don't think about it enough. God forbid I ever find a balance and overcome this unholy mess. I'm so frustrated, but I don't want to give up. I used to be a decent horn player; what happened? I mean, seriously? I practiced and was making great progress and then I just lost everything. I can't even make a healthy independent buzz anymore which angers me beyond belief.
After crying about it for an hour, I took a drive to think about my horn playing. And I came to the conclusion that a major source of my lack of success is my ever-present self-hatred. It's strange because I don't really think I loathe myself, but then I sit down to calculate how many times I degrade myself compared to the times I am proud of my accomplishments, I am awestruck. I hate myself. I really do. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm already quite selfish, so that's not the problem. Maybe I need love. But something bothers me about having to be in a relationship to be strong. I highly value independence.
And it's not just affecting my horn playing. This mental Mt. Everest is also affecting my composition. I don't trust myself to write something original anymore and I doubt my knowledge of music in general at times. I hate this. I want to find something that I can do well and can take pride in it. I want to have something be a source of pride for me. Not a source of incessant embarrassment or humiliation.
Anyway, that's all for now.
current mood:  crushed
current music: Symphony No. 5, Peter Tchaikovsky
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| Monday, September 18th, 2006
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10:33 pm
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It's a strange feeling.
I can feel the romanticism within me drowning but every now and then it victoriously leaps out of the water and reminds me of who I am and what I stand for. It feels so good to be in touch with my romantic side again.
Being able to grasp the concepts of beauty, balance and love is something I'm thankful for. I think to fuel my romantic side, I'm going to go and sit at the lake for a little while tonight. I always feel recharged when I do that.
This sudden recurring passion was brought on by a number of things. But mainly, it came to me because I'm having composer's block. I just can't compose when I don't feel connected. There is a connection I must feel between myself and passion. Without it, I'm lost as a composer and a person. I need to hear the tides of passion swell and crash against my soul; I need to feel the pain, suffering, ecstasy and delight of the human experience; I need to see before me the mind-boggling expanse that is our universe. I want to be filled with wonder again. I feel I've lost my sense of wonder. Wonder is one of the few things that drive me to do anything. Wonder begets my curiosity and my sense of adventure. I'm no longer dead to the world.
I can see it in my imagination now:
I'm sprawled out on the hood of my car listening to music and looking at the stars. Just looking. And listening. I can hear creation sing to me as the stars tell me the story of existence and how incredibly small I am in the grand scheme of things.
Why it makes me feel so good to know that I'm so small, I don't know.
Maybe because it reminds me that my problems are very small too. I don't know. All I know is that I'm happy. I'm so happy to be surrounded by such beauty and such living art.
current music: Debussy's La Mer
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| Friday, September 15th, 2006
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9:11 pm
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I never thought it was possible for me to become less of a "people" person, but I've managed to surprise myself.
So, it irritates me that people can be so two-faced. I'm talking, these people will bash you behind your back without you even knowing and not even an hour later, they will literally kiss your ass and suck up to you as if life is all peachy.
FUCK PEOPLE!
I'm so tired of such stupid shit as this. But I've concluded that that is just how life works. People do stupid shit for no logical reason and life goes on. God knows I've done my share of such things. Not that I'm condoning such behaviour, but I think everyone does it sometimes. I am afraid some more than others, however.
In other news, composition lessons started up and it's going to be an interesting semester to say the least. Marching band still gets on my nerves, but I'm just trying to be adaptable and to refrain from being too much of noisy dissenter. The mellophone section is doing well; they work hard and stay focused during rehearsals. I'm not surprised though, because it seems to be that way every year. I'm quite fortuante actually to be in the section. The only thing that bothers me though is the lack of respect among some of the members. Well, when I say it bothers me, I mean it pisses me the hell off. And, so, I will address this tomorrow after practice so the section knows without a shadow of a doubt where I stand on the matter of treatment towards fellow mello section members. We are a team. We should behave like one. I'm not even asking people to be happy all the time or even love marching band: all I want is for the section to respect each other in light of individual differences.
I took the Praxis I today and that went fine. I passed. Woo.
Well, that's all for now. I'll post later.
current mood:  cynical
current music: Shostakovich Cello Concerto No. 2
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| Sunday, September 10th, 2006
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4:14 am
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Tonight I went and sat out on the lake. As I was sitting there on the bank, I pondered many things: I marveled at the beautiful way the moonlight undulated on the ebony surface of the water, I felt the wind on my face and the tears run down my cheek as I realized that I'm abandoning parts of myself for the sake of "progressive change".
It amazes me that no matter how many times I can sit on the shore of a lake at night, I am always overwhelmed by the beauty that surrounds me. I feel many feelings rise within me with such ferocity that I feel I cannot bear them, even less, make sense of them. Feelings of passion, love, gratitude, anger, pain and loneliness band together to rip me in two.
I wish I made sense. I wish I was much more consistent than I am.
Why do I think that I am aging so quickly when I am only 21 years old? What is it that I feel I have abandoned in my youth? I believe it is the youthful belief in love and beauty that I have lost. Hopefully soon I will discover there is something/someone worth living for other than the animalistic intuition of self-preservation.
I listen to music and I feel it . . . . I FEEL the beauty and power of love.
::Sigh::
Oh, Melancholy.
current mood: melancholy
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| Monday, August 28th, 2006
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8:54 pm
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Well, things are starting to ease up a little.
Classes seem to be going fine and I think marching band is going to be fun. Everything is working itself out and I don't think I could be more pleased.
The only problem is that my horn lessons are Wednesdays at 8 am. Yeah, that does kinda suck, but I'll manage. It only makes sense that the worst horn player in the studio gets the worst lesson time. I'm okay with that, because I am ready to improve my horn playing. I'm ready. And if that takes me having to get up early on Wednesdays to improve, then I'll do it. I am tired of being a shitty horn player. It's time for ME to do something about it and stop complaining. Yay for growing up.
I'm so excited about my trip to San Diego. I looked up the performance schedule of the San Diego Symphony Orchestra and it looks as if they are performing William Schumann's American Festival Overture and Symphony No. 2. For the final half of the concert they are doing the Brahms Piano Concerto No. 1. Yay. As for other activities, there are several other things Jamie is looking into so I'm uber excited.
I've also been looking around for grad schools that offer doctoral degrees in conducting. You would be surprised, but there aren't very many! I have narrowed it down to Northwestern University just outside of Chicago. They seem to have a good staff and I think I would like the atmosphere better there than at Bloomington Indiana. I don't know, but both would be worth investigating, that's for sure. After I get my degree there I will probably go to USC in California and work on my training in filmscoring. That's what I would really like to do.
Anyway, so yeah, that's all I've really been up to. The dating life is non-existent, but that usually changes during the first few weeks of fall. Who knows? That's all for now.
current mood:  geeky
current music: Dimitri Shostakovich Symphony No. 1
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| Thursday, August 17th, 2006
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8:41 pm
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I am an island of desolation eveloped by a sea of beauty.
On the winding roads
between Batesville
and Conway, I felt a part of me perish.
I do not know
what
exactly, but I feel
that it was the passing of my
childhood
and the end of
beauty
within me.
I mourned the death of my youth today.
I can feel it. I can feel myself slip through my fingers as though I was holding on to my own child as it were being ripped out of my arms.
Is this what it's supposed to feel like? This "aging" and "maturing"?
If beauty once existed
within me, -then it has deserted
me. I no longer see
within myself a beacon of love
and passion, I
only feel a crater of
emptiness
where the beacon once stood.
I feel
so
empty.
I want desparately to fight the realization of my greatest fear:
loss of adventure and the loss of my inner child.
I'm only
21
years old,
why do I feel this way???
Only time will tell.
Many thoughts and emotions dwell within my soul. One thing I have pondered is how cruel it is for something as dually beautiful and cursed as humans to live such a short life. It is so perplexing, the idea of death. So perplexing to be surrounded by an immortal earth that will not mourn our passing. Yet I love the earth with such fervor that it paralyzes me with melancholy. I can feel the earth within me. I can feel its oceans run through my veins and I can hear its wind serenade my soul.
So strange that I will perish, yet, within me there is something immortal. Something that will never cease to thrive.
Can it be?
Can it be that I feel my soul???
I don't know.
Shall I ever know?,
-Only time will tell.
I am a pool of nothingness cradled by a vale of abundance.
current mood: melancholy
current music: Gorecki- Symphony of Sorrowful Songs
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| Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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1:35 pm
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I have been putting this off for a very long time. But the more I think about it, the better it would feel to say these things.
Ten Things to Say to Ten Different People
1. I truly and deeply love you. There are only two people on this earth whom I feel this love and you are certainly one of them. You are so far away, but I feel we will always be together.
2. I know it was in high school, but I really wish I would have made the move. I really wish I would have told you how I felt and maybe things would have happened differently.
3. You are the other person that I love deeply and truly. We inspire each other and I think that is quite amazing.
4. I'm gay. And pretending that it's a phase that I will merely outgrow someday is foolish and insulting. I will give you the time you need to come to terms with this, but I will not back down simply because you proclaim MY sexuality is YOUR burden. That is absurd.
5. I'm sorry I gave up on you, but your lack of sanity at the time just pushed me out. You are a good person and I wish you well, but I fear we are too different to be very close friends. Although, I must say that I enjoy watching you change and grow as of late. Continue.
6. I have trouble figuring out whether or not I am attracted to you. Sometimes I want desparately for you to notice me and then other times I simply could not care less of what you think. I think you have a very beautiful soul and that you will find the guy of your dreams. I hope you always are able to see the beauty in life and that you never cease to have inspiration
7. We have to work very hard at our friendship. We have to do this because we are quite different from each other. But I think as long as we are able to respect each other's differences, we'll be friends for a very long time. You are a beautiful human being with an extremely artistic soul. Never be afraid to show this part of yourself to others.
8. You are beautiful and don't let anyone tell you to settle for anything less than what you deserve.
9. I quite honestly don't like you. I wish you would go away. You are far more manipulative than is humanly necessary and your self-righteousness is absolutely despicable. I do not see beauty in you. You use your "spirituality" to cover up your banal love for the petty and the shallow. Over time, I hope I will change my perception of you.
10. I wish I could trust you more. But I can't help but feel you have done me harm. I don't want to blame you, but I feel that I must.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: The Empire Strikes Back - The Battle of Hoth, John Williams
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1:05 pm
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Wow
So it's been somewhat interesting.
Yesterday I had to fix my car because the bottom radiator hose busted which caused my car to overheat. Luckily there was not other damage and so I just had to take off the old hoses (I decided to go ahead and change the top one too) and put the new ones on. I just want to say that taking stuff off is so much easier than putting it back on. It took me twice as long to put on the new hoses. But I did eventually succeed and I was very happy that I was able to fix it within a day.
It seems like my dad may have actually taught me something after all.
It was actually sort of fun because I was a royal mess by the time I was done. Candrea took pictures of me with her phone to chronicle my surprising griminess and boy did it feel good to take a shower afterwards. Man.
But, I did have some help. Tommy graciously drove me around Conway so I could pick up the things I needed and such and so I owe him my grattitude.
In other news, it looks like I'm headed to San Diego for fall break this semester to visit Jamie and possibly look at a school out there. I'm VERY excited.
Also, my new favorite symphonic work is Dmitry Shostakovich's Symphony No. 12. God, I love that piece.
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11:46 am
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| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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12:44 pm
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Well, Rachel did this, so I'll do it too.
Comment to this post with your name and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours.
current mood: livid beyond all means
current music: Symph. No. 7, Movmt 1, Dimitry Shostakovich
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| Friday, July 28th, 2006
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3:42 pm
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I almost never update this thing.
For future reference, here is my XANGA blog if you really want to keep up with me.
So working at Kroger is going to come to an end soon. It's actually a rather simple and non-taxing job, but it isn't music. So there is only so much interest and effort I can afford to put into it.
I think I've decided what I wish to do for the composition project this fall. It's going to turn out well, I think.
So apparently, Lance Bass of N'Sync finally came out of the closet.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! OMG, it's about bloody time! But in all seriousness, yay for him handling all the press so well.
Tomorrow I drive back to Batesville for a day to visit the family and to fill out some scholarship papers or something to that effect. I bought about eleven pounds worth of homegrown tomatoes for my mom because I know she loves them as much as I do. At Kroger we had them on sale for $0.97 per pound. Anyway, they are so delicious, and I can't wait to get them to her.
So school is going to be starting up again soon and that means that I need to seriously do some practicing. I also need to get some work done for composition. Hmm.
Well, that's all for now.
current mood:  artistic
current music: Tchaikovsky - Symphony No. 5 in e minor
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| Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
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11:01 pm
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Hmmm.
It has crossed my mind lately that I may grow old to find myself a lonely and depressed hermit with nothing but music to console me.
This does, of course, scare me shitless, but I'm thinking that it'll go away. I'm just being paranoid at the moment.
But then again, what am I doing? Why am I not out there looking for someone to spend my life with.
Well, it's possible I'm waiting for them to find me.
Or, it is also possible, that I'm just not ready for any kind of relationship.
I kinda hope the latter is not the case.
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| Friday, May 19th, 2006
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5:29 pm
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What is the deal with this "Top Ten Things To Tell People"??? I must admit it is rather interesting but at the same time it is so . . . . strange. Oh well, that is probably why I stopped doing those meme things. I just don't have the stomach for such things anymore.
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| Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
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12:50 am
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| Monday, January 9th, 2006
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2:36 pm
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Okay, so I officially like Xanga a lot more but apparently nobody else
does. lol. anyway, I'm going to keep posting over on Xanga
because it's cooler, but I will put links and stuff on LJ so friends
can keep check on me or whatever.
Here's that Quiz thing that I ripped
You know, I'm starting to rethink my opinion on how to date
guys. I have been a pursuer kind of, but a very passive
one. I've been more of the pursued, and while that can be fun and
exciting, I never find the guys that I'm really attracted to. The
ones that I'm attracted to intimidate me so much to the point that I
can't even really talk to them. It just goes to show I have no
skill whatsoever when it comes to flirting. I don't know, maybe
it's okay that flirting isn't my thing, but still. It bothers me
a bit because my friends who do chase and flirt are quite successful in
my mind. Even though it isn't for relationships, they always get
what they want.
I don't think that having everything I want is good for me, neither is
it possible. But I do wanna feel the exicitement of chasing down
that guy and feeling the joy for the first time when he lets me put my
arm around him and hold him. Or he lets me kiss him
sweetly. Hrm.
I do have a guy in mind that I've always really admired and I would
consider asking him out on a date, but there's something in the back of
my mind that tells me that "You, Jeremy, will never be able to make him
happy. You can't live up to his expectations." Some would
call this a confidence issue, but I think it's just me thinking it
through. Why would I invest so much energy into someone if it's
doomed to fail from the beginning?
But then again, isn't that what dating is all about?? It's just one big, gihumoungonormous RISK!!!!
And risk is something I can't be scared of.
I'm ready to come out of this game of mere physical attraction.
I'm ready to at least find the guy I can share some good times
with. Some good times without sex. That would be great to
be able to start off without sexual tension. And the guy I was
just talking about a second ago is the guy I would want to just hang
with. He's cute, youthful, fun, creative, outgoing and a lot of
other things I wish I were. It's funny how badly I kinda wish I
didn't like him, but I just can't stop. I honestly feel attracted
to him. Even if you were to strip him of his sense of fashion,
his popularity, and his talent, I would still like the guy. There
are things that I just sense about him that I relate to. It's
funny because I don't even really know the guy very well, but yet the
attraction still persists. I've seen his bad side and good side,
and yet I am still undeterred. The attraction I have for him is
rather unique I think. Because if I ever were with this guy, I
wouldn't care what people thought. He's a guy that I would
actually want to hold hands with in a public place, (and that says a
lot for me, because I don't feel that way about anybody . . .)
Anyway, I know that it won't happen, well, at least for a while
anyway. Even though I want a serious relationsip, I don't think
that in all honesty, I'm ready. I'm too young to be in something
so serious right now. And so is he. We both need to have
our own experiences and mistakes.
So until then, its casual dating and hoping for the best. Aah, it's going to be another fun-filled semester.
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| Sunday, January 8th, 2006
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3:46 pm
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3:22 pm
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Well, folks, looks like I am moving over to Xanga.
Well, not really. I just don't feel like making two entries and I don't like cutting and pasting entries.
Here's me: musiciansdream
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| Sunday, December 18th, 2005
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3:18 am - The Semester is over . . .
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It's kinda difficult to believe but the semester is over. I am
kinda in shock because I distinctly remember moving down here this
summer as if it were yesterday. Wow, this means I must be getting
old.
But that's perfectly okay because I have to say this has probably been
my best semester here so far. Well, I at least mean that each
semester gets better and better. I have made many changes this
semester and many of them are related to all the different people I
have hung out with. Namely, Jeremy Osborne and Candrea
Travis. I owe those two so much for giving me such an amazing
semester. Because of them, I have been easily coerced into
breaking my boundaries. But, more importantly, I have learned how
to view things from more than one perspective. To me, that is
probably their greatest gift to me. I am learning to be fair and
learning to see things objectively even when I don't want to. I
think that Jeremy Osborne and I have actually grown into that
objectivity at the same time. Which is cool. It's amazing
how close Candrea, Jeremy and I have become these past few
months. We've taken road trips, seen so many fucking movies, and learned a lot about the interesting social demographics of the UCA Music Department.
(chuckles . . . )
Speaking of social interactions, I believe the things that shock me the
most is my new-found interest in partying and social drinking. I
have come to learn that alcohol can be lots of fun when done with the right
people and a proper amount of sensibility. And to this interest
in Smirnoff Ice, I of course owe Rachel. My darling Rachel.
It is kinda wierd that we didn't see each other practically at all this
semester but still managed to have a kick ass time at a party or two.
So, for the past few days since school has been over, I have been
chillin with Jeremy O. and Candrea. We are the Lovely Trio and we
are still kickin it down here in Conway. I'll go home for
Christmas around Wednesday morning. Kinda late, but believe me, I
certainly have good reason for waiting. Trust me. LOL.
Well, The Trio is over, so I probably shouldn't be a bad host and just sit here on my computer.
Later.
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Jeremy's playing choir stuff in the living room
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| Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
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9:40 pm
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Today has been rather interesting. I'm still putting off some studying of Music History. I actually enjoy studying for the class because it's history and I'm a lover of some history. Anyway, so yeah, before I go to bed I will be working on some studying.
The interesting thing about today was that I finally returned to being a sick romantic today. I found my Leonard Bernstein cd today. This is a big deal because it contains several awesome orchestral excerpts on it. Including the "Batuque from the Resaido Pastorale" by Oscar Lorenzo Fernandez, and the Movement V: Auferstehn from Symphony No. 2 by Gustav Mahler. Anyway, so I popped in the cd and listened for a while to the Batuque. I had forgotten how beautifully sensual this piece was. It catches you up in syncopated rhytms and it contains a paganism that is nothing short of intoxicating. It's just wild! And then of course, there's the Mahler. Thank God for Mahler. I cried again in anguish in the final strains. The part where the choir is in full force with the orchestra is simply glorious. Never has a I-IV-IV-I progression sounded so amazing!!! Gah! Anyway, I love music that makes me cry. I love it more than any other emotional response because it makes me feel human.
Lately, I have really been exploring my passion for history. I am seriously thinking about Maritime Archaeology in my future.
Later.
current mood:  peaceful
current music: "Anakin's Theme" from The Phantom Menace by John Wiliiams
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